Birthday Toughs

Today was my birthday, unlike other people, I don't like to celebrate or let others know, as I don't like to be the center of attention. However, I have learned that celebrating someone's birthday is important and special for other people as a way for them to show appreciation and thankfulness for your existence. At least, that is what I feel towards my loved ones, that's how can I relate. For this reason, I keep my birth date private and only share it with people I truly love and feel loved back.

I haven't been doing well since my dad's passing in early May. My wife's high risk pregnancy, our newborn-now in the toddler phase, totaling +20 months of no sex since December 2022, years of inconsistent and frustrating intimacy for several years. Intimacy has not been great or exiting anyways now that I look back, always me chasing and pursuing, being supportive, caring, and many things that went unnoticed so It would be a waste to list them.

After many attempts over these years to lower my libido with diet, lion's mane mushrooms, hobbies, physical activity, etc. Nine months ago, against my will, my libido finally tanked. Ironically, my wife's libido has "increased" over these last six months, how? why?, I don't know. Since then, I'm now the low-libido partner. She's open to having another child, I'm not. The entire pre and post partum experience has been such an exhausting and terrible experience that I don't have the will to go through it all again.

We've had several arguments over these past few days on many topics, including intimacy. It's past noon, and not a word has been made about my birthday. For years, I've craved to feel desired and wanted sexually, but haven't occurred. Tough i still wish for sex and intimacy, I can't see myself experiencing it. I just can't picture it. I'm certain it won't happen anytime soon given the exhausting day to day tension and specially after our last argument when I accidentally said I didn't want to be alive.

I feel broken and deeply depressed, no matter what I do, it doesn't seem to matter. Today, as many other days, I wish sex or anything related didn't exist, since it appeared in my life, it has been nothing short of pure disappointment and struggle, definitively something not worth pursuing. Finally, after an eight month wait, I got assigned a psychologist next Thursday. I want to fix myself, I want to be a great dad as my father was to me.