Suck it up, and carry on

 I saw the red flags very early to understand, I got my answers to soon to accept, It was infatuation? stupidity? or was I just too inexperienced to discern, the panorama was there since the beginning, there was nothing hidden, I just ignored it and did it anyway. It has been many years since then, and now that I live a reality that was always there, and see that all the resentment, frustration, anger and contempt I been thru over these years, I just pity on myself now and finally see that there was all exposed before me, but I did not saw.

What purpose is to have eyes, and not be able to see? to be given clear answers, but not understand, how can one receive feedback just to put it aside and formulate your own vision that skew reality. After all, I just tricked myself, all of this its on me. It took me many years, but now I finally realized how big of a stupid I am.

I don't know how can God use this for good, I honestly can't see how, I know all things work together for those who love God, and that is my string of hope when I look myself and help me to just suck-it up, and carry on.

This season

This season has been challenging, maybe my life has been to easy and I'm just getting a taste of reality, maybe this is normal and I'm too weak, I'm getting stronger, at least I believe that, however the process is not enjoyable, it is sour and I don't see myself wanting to repeat it. This last tough has me wondering, if I get to be an old man, would I miss this time? would I miss seeing my daughter this small? I believe so. What I won't is the relationship between my wife and myself, the family dynamic, the constant tip-toe of doing anything, the continuous exhaustion. I would like to enjoy my daughter as other people seem to enjoy their kids, even multiple kids, but I don't see myself having more, It's just too much, I can barely keep things together, seeing my wife struggle life everyday, me working with a lot of anxiety knowing my wife is falling behind his job while taking care of my daughter, knowing I have to bring all stuff needed at home at the price of my wife staying with my daughter without a brake, it's just us.

I wonder, just wonder in my mind, what if. Many what ifs, I believe in God, before proposing to my wife ten years ago, I prayed, I search for Gods approval and guidance, maybe I didn't prayed enough, maybe I didn't fasted enough, I did received response, but maybe I ignored His first answer. Right now, I can't see Gods response and wonder if I was to stubborn and I tapered His response.

Why these doubts? Am I overthinking instead of just sucking it up, man-up and just deal with it. I feel lost many times between what is normal and what is not, when I should be strong or when is just not right. Any topic I choose to bring up should be toughly analyzed before, carefully organized with evidence and exposed in a way that's understandable and non-confrontational, this does not warranties being listened or any positive interaction and might result in a retaliatory or passive-aggressive response. I just feel like a castrated guy who can't handle his own house, someone who's presence is just a nuisance and it's absence a form of punishment for all.

Birthday Toughs

Today was my birthday, unlike other people, I don't like to celebrate or let others know, as I don't like to be the center of attention. However, I have learned that celebrating someone's birthday is important and special for other people as a way for them to show appreciation and thankfulness for your existence. At least, that is what I feel towards my loved ones, that's how can I relate. For this reason, I keep my birth date private and only share it with people I truly love and feel loved back.

I haven't been doing well since my dad's passing in early May. My wife's high risk pregnancy, our newborn-now in the toddler phase, totaling +20 months of no sex since December 2022, years of inconsistent and frustrating intimacy for several years. Intimacy has not been great or exiting anyways now that I look back, always me chasing and pursuing, being supportive, caring, and many things that went unnoticed so It would be a waste to list them.

After many attempts over these years to lower my libido with diet, lion's mane mushrooms, hobbies, physical activity, etc. Nine months ago, against my will, my libido finally tanked. Ironically, my wife's libido has "increased" over these last six months, how? why?, I don't know. Since then, I'm now the low-libido partner. She's open to having another child, I'm not. The entire pre and post partum experience has been such an exhausting and terrible experience that I don't have the will to go through it all again.

We've had several arguments over these past few days on many topics, including intimacy. It's past noon, and not a word has been made about my birthday. For years, I've craved to feel desired and wanted sexually, but haven't occurred. Tough i still wish for sex and intimacy, I can't see myself experiencing it. I just can't picture it. I'm certain it won't happen anytime soon given the exhausting day to day tension and specially after our last argument when I accidentally said I didn't want to be alive.

I feel broken and deeply depressed, no matter what I do, it doesn't seem to matter. Today, as many other days, I wish sex or anything related didn't exist, since it appeared in my life, it has been nothing short of pure disappointment and struggle, definitively something not worth pursuing. Finally, after an eight month wait, I got assigned a psychologist next Thursday. I want to fix myself, I want to be a great dad as my father was to me.

Marry your friend

I used to be intimidated by women, somehow I place them all in a pedestal, I stuttered, was ashamed of even directing to any of them, they were another species for me, I don't know why, it just was like that, I happened to have a few friends that were women thru my whole life, I felt a friendship with them and I valued that I could talk to them and be treated as a person, as a friend, nothing more.

Years passed and I was about to finish college when I met a pretty girl, surprisingly we started talking, she showed me some stuff she liked, dresses, tv shows, she wanted to purchase online an umbrella that resembled a sword, I offered help, after it arrived I took it to school to deliver it to her, since it was very late, I offered a ride to her house, we talked a lot, there it begun, our now almost 12 year friendship.

Long before I read a quote that said, marry someone you could talk to, because as you get older, many things will pass; sex, energy, adventures, and all you will have left is some time to talk. I was very happy to have met that girl, so happy that months after I decided to go out with her, It took me some months to get her to go out with me, after several months I knew she was the one, It was my first girlfriend, a person I could hold long hour conversations of any subject, a person I grew attracted to, but I had to wait 5 years so that I could propose to her, and one more year to marry her.

Now we are a few days away from 7 years married, surprisingly we just had a baby girl, why surprisingly? well, as many of us know, in order to have kids you have to have intimacy. Life has not been easy, specially on the sex side; this is where I am happy I married my friend, sex has been an awful deception all these years, a root of many frustrations on my end and a driver to my continued neglect of my physical needs. However, I am deeply hurt for the lack of sex on my life, I did not sign up for a life of celibacy, in fact I hate it, but I can not see myself with someone else, specially now that I am a dad, I want my daughter to grow up with a loving dad, in a loving family, despite all, by the and of the day I am grateful I can return home to someone I love, my wife and best friend.

Learn to say goodbye

We are used to life, to live longer, death is "less common" in our days so that sometimes we forget that we will die or that people that we love will die, we are not used to see people go as previous generations. I see that forgetting death makes us take for granted that people will always be there and that you can visit or talk to them some other time, then, when they die, there is no more time, you will never hear their voice again, or see them, no more talk, no more arguing, just silence, they are gone, they are now a memory.

I'm at an age where my old generation is slowly dying, my great-uncles, my grandparents, my family old friends, I have lived 30ish years without major losses, but now they are going, one by one. I realize how I miss them, and the reality that they are gone is a new concept for me.

I have so little time left to be with few that are still alive, I want to talk & spend time with them, I wonder how some barriers like time and personal space were built around us that we did not spend time together, I don't want to build barriers for friends and family as I grow older. Now that is too late I am starting to see how some of them tried to reach back, but they did not know how, how do we end up so disconnected as we age?

As for the title of this entry, I learned that is better to say goodbye before someone is gone, not to actually say it to them, I mean privately; only to yourself, when you are alone you can be fully open and honest, think as for what would you say in his funeral, or what would you have liked to say to them when they are no longer here, it will hurt, you will cry as if they are gone. I might not say many things to them, but my perception and attitude toward someone after I do this totally changes, things feel different and the fears of asking or saying something vanish, I stated to appreciate them fully as they are, also I have been able to reconnect and bond with them before they are gone.

Before I begun to do this, I had many regrets of not spending time with loved ones before they are gone, I am learning how to say goodbye, I am also learning that I will be gone too sometime in the future, and if I'm blessed enough, someone will miss me as well as I miss them. Now I ask myself, how can I die and let my loved ones happy, so there is no baggage to regret? It is time to learn to say goodbye before someone is gone.