This season has been challenging, maybe my life has been to easy and I'm just getting a taste of reality, maybe this is normal and I'm too weak, I'm getting stronger, at least I believe that, however the process is not enjoyable, it is sour and I don't see myself wanting to repeat it. This last tough has me wondering, if I get to be an old man, would I miss this time? would I miss seeing my daughter this small? I believe so. What I won't is the relationship between my wife and myself, the family dynamic, the constant tip-toe of doing anything, the continuous exhaustion. I would like to enjoy my daughter as other people seem to enjoy their kids, even multiple kids, but I don't see myself having more, It's just too much, I can barely keep things together, seeing my wife struggle life everyday, me working with a lot of anxiety knowing my wife is falling behind his job while taking care of my daughter, knowing I have to bring all stuff needed at home at the price of my wife staying with my daughter without a brake, it's just us.
I wonder, just wonder in my mind, what if. Many what ifs, I believe in God, before proposing to my wife ten years ago, I prayed, I search for Gods approval and guidance, maybe I didn't prayed enough, maybe I didn't fasted enough, I did received response, but maybe I ignored His first answer. Right now, I can't see Gods response and wonder if I was to stubborn and I tapered His response.
Why these doubts? Am I overthinking instead of just sucking it up, man-up and just deal with it. I feel lost many times between what is normal and what is not, when I should be strong or when is just not right. Any topic I choose to bring up should be toughly analyzed before, carefully organized with evidence and exposed in a way that's understandable and non-confrontational, this does not warranties being listened or any positive interaction and might result in a retaliatory or passive-aggressive response. I just feel like a castrated guy who can't handle his own house, someone who's presence is just a nuisance and it's absence a form of punishment for all.
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