Suck it up, and carry on

 I saw the red flags very early to understand, I got my answers to soon to accept, It was infatuation? stupidity? or was I just too inexperienced to discern, the panorama was there since the beginning, there was nothing hidden, I just ignored it and did it anyway. It has been many years since then, and now that I live a reality that was always there, and see that all the resentment, frustration, anger and contempt I been thru over these years, I just pity on myself now and finally see that there was all exposed before me, but I did not saw.

What purpose is to have eyes, and not be able to see? to be given clear answers, but not understand, how can one receive feedback just to put it aside and formulate your own vision that skew reality. After all, I just tricked myself, all of this its on me. It took me many years, but now I finally realized how big of a stupid I am.

I don't know how can God use this for good, I honestly can't see how, I know all things work together for those who love God, and that is my string of hope when I look myself and help me to just suck-it up, and carry on.

This season

This season has been challenging, maybe my life has been to easy and I'm just getting a taste of reality, maybe this is normal and I'm too weak, I'm getting stronger, at least I believe that, however the process is not enjoyable, it is sour and I don't see myself wanting to repeat it. This last tough has me wondering, if I get to be an old man, would I miss this time? would I miss seeing my daughter this small? I believe so. What I won't is the relationship between my wife and myself, the family dynamic, the constant tip-toe of doing anything, the continuous exhaustion. I would like to enjoy my daughter as other people seem to enjoy their kids, even multiple kids, but I don't see myself having more, It's just too much, I can barely keep things together, seeing my wife struggle life everyday, me working with a lot of anxiety knowing my wife is falling behind his job while taking care of my daughter, knowing I have to bring all stuff needed at home at the price of my wife staying with my daughter without a brake, it's just us.

I wonder, just wonder in my mind, what if. Many what ifs, I believe in God, before proposing to my wife ten years ago, I prayed, I search for Gods approval and guidance, maybe I didn't prayed enough, maybe I didn't fasted enough, I did received response, but maybe I ignored His first answer. Right now, I can't see Gods response and wonder if I was to stubborn and I tapered His response.

Why these doubts? Am I overthinking instead of just sucking it up, man-up and just deal with it. I feel lost many times between what is normal and what is not, when I should be strong or when is just not right. Any topic I choose to bring up should be toughly analyzed before, carefully organized with evidence and exposed in a way that's understandable and non-confrontational, this does not warranties being listened or any positive interaction and might result in a retaliatory or passive-aggressive response. I just feel like a castrated guy who can't handle his own house, someone who's presence is just a nuisance and it's absence a form of punishment for all.